Monday, June 19, 2006

I'm still here for now

I still like this weblog, I like the simplicity and the previous posts remind me to the past time when I still worked at my previous workplace. Then I remember that I didn't fight with him yet at the time I visited Dusseldorf, he was such a helpful guy for me untill something's going wrong that's out of my own hands. I can say that I got regret but on the other side he's become a bastard who didn't have respect for girls and that's why three of my colleagues [so far I noticed there were three] didn't like his ridiculous behaviour -_-

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


damn it.

Monday, December 05, 2005


After the several attempts of going to another country this year we finally ended up going to Dusseldorf - Germany. The trip started on Friday morning, I went to Zwolle at 07:10 AM and arrived there at -7:35 AM. There I met few people who also were going there with us. We didn't drive as bus is easier way to go, we didn't need to search for the parking place, routes, etc. I wanted to sleep in the bus but I couldn't because the two passangers behind us talked a lots like a fucking peking duck, they didn't stop talking till we all arrived in Dusseldorf and they stopped talking just when the bus stopped and all the passangers were stepping out of the bus. Damn you, bitches.

The Christmas market was nice! They served Gluhwein (or whatever it's exactly written), a sort of hot wine. As the weather wasn't cold enough I didn't find it delicious, especially when I'd never drunk hot wine before.

This is not the picture that I've taken. I'll publish some pictures later when I've transfered it to my computer. Right now I am at internet cafe, still there while I need to work tomorrow *evil grin* I need to invent a reason to get free from my work. But, what's the reason? I guess I'll just tell them that I've an appointment at the gorverment that I can't come. What about Dusseldorf? Dusseldorf is nice place! It's alive! I as a miss shopaholic would be spending all my money right after I get my salary if I live there, seriously. Only that I don't like how the German speak their language, it sounds so weird in this Dutch ears. The accent. So weird.

We wandered around the Christmas market, the children were ice skating, we bought food. I don't know the name. Heck.


The people at work also behave different every day. They also like to make a surprise, anyway. One day which was on thursday (I don't remember which thursday it was), colleague named D. has invented a fake reason to the workers that it was his last day at work as he told us he has found another interesting job as a security agent. We all gave our hands to felicitate him, and we really thought he has gone while he was just free on the next day (friday). When I came to work again on monday I saw him standing in front of the building and smoking. He's a twin and when I saw him I asked him;

"hey, you're still here! Did you lie??!?"
"Who are you? Sorry, I am his twin brother N."
I gave my hand and so did he ... and I still didn't realise that all of it was his game to tell us that he has stopped working there. Stupid me

Last friday I was mad due to the undescribeable reason. In fact it's because of few people, and I told someone that it's probably my last day to work there, and so I want to surprise them. They probably will think that I don't work there anymore as I told them on friday that I'd stop working there. That's my surprise plan. I wonder if they'll get shocked when they see me back on Tuesday *evil grin* I want to see their reaction especially his reaction :D



Ops I forgot that it's already monday here LOL

Update II:

I just came back, we went back at around 05:00 AM, I slept in the bus, still tired.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The rice has become a porridge, and I want to go away

Usually on friday when the work days just finish I keep thinking about the things I shouldn't say/do to the people around. And I do admit that I've had such a big mouth last week due to my overdosed weed. It's going too far till I myself finally realised it. I didn't mean to offend this black crow who has helped me twice but in one to another happening it made me felt regret, I wanted to apologize but I still had two days to wait. Sunday night came, I started making my explanation. Monday finally started, the sun was shining, I prepared myself even though I was too nervous to start. I finally arrived at work, everyone walked outside the building till I finally saw the black crow walked outside the building, too, taking a lunch break. After greeting I started to explain and apologize, his mimic was different while he said it's okay. From far I saw my friend just arrived, she invited me for the weed, we walked to another corner of the building. I passed him by and he seemed to know what we're going to do. I asked him to join and he'd come later, he said. After a while that we were standing there he came and joined with us and I appreciated it as it seemed to show me that he wasn't that mad at me even though I wasn't sure about it.

The whole day seemed weird for me, everyone behaved so weird which made me thought that monday's the case. After the short break we've taken I walked back to my floor, passed him by when he walked from another side. He looked at me sharply in the eyes which made me felt that he's actually mad at me. I couldn't do anything than hung my jacket on the hanger and started working again. I worked and worked, tried not to bother what was happening behind me as I use to work in the corner. I heard his voice, laughed and talked with his friends, but I tried to concentrate as if nothing happened. I felt his ignorance especially after I asked him who the next victim would be and claimed him as a black rabbit (read: playboy) on last friday. I got regret but the aim has got an advantage that he realised what I meant as I think I am flexible and easy going enough to try to communicate with that flirtatious bitch whom I first used to keep distance from. As he used to think differently he might think that I've talked lots with her and that he's the main subject we talked about. As miss understanding as it was which probably made him more offended but I won't start any discussion about the things which confuse him a lots if he doesn't start. That bitch still thinks that I don't talk too much while she's the problem of it.

In the end I just have to keep something in my mind that nobody can turn back the time and the rice has become a porridge. I however ended up wanting to run away from those people and never appear anymore no matter if it was not really my fault in the first time. He was first just a strage black crow for me till all what has happened made me know him and so does he. Now that I know how it is I try to make new plans as I want to know what will happen if I refuse to know them, if I do as if nobody's there. I just do my work. I am so very sad. I offended someone these days :( But it's okay, there's no need to feel sad or to feel down, let's make some plans. Book has always been the best friend when I am alone, it never talks back, it never judges, it never throws mistake, it's just quite but has an interesting story inside. So I meant to say that I want to make myself busy in the break, without bothering the people around and I hope they, especially he, will notice the change. I just don't know what to do else, I keep on trying to avoid him instead.

Monday, November 28, 2005

PS, I Love You by Cecelia Ahern -- a Book Review

Some people wait their whole lives to find their soul mates. But not Holly and Gerry

Childhood sweethearts, they could finish each other’s sentences and even when they fought, they laughed. No one could imagine Holly and Gerry without each other.

Until the unthinkable happens. Gerry’s death devastates Holly. But as her 30th birthday looms, Gerry comes back to her. He’s left her a bundle of notes, gently guiding Holly into her new life without him, each note signed ‘PS, I Love You’.
As the notes are gradually opened, and as the year unfolds, Holly is both cheered up and challenged. The man who knows her better than anyone sets out to teach her that life goes on. With some help from her friends, and her noisy and loving family, Holly finds herself laughing, crying, singing, dancing — and being braver than ever before.

Life is for living, she realises — but it always helps if there’s an angel watching over you

Short opinions:

‘A bitter-sweet storyline guaranteed to tug on your heartstrings‘

‘Heartbreak, intrique and love letters from beyond the grave — Ahern was sure and symphatetic hand.‘
Irish Times

From this book I tried to imagine how it should be when my beloved one, in this case, my man, is not beside me anymore. But from this book I also think how too fake the story goes, Holly seems to be an immature thirty something lady who only thinks that her husband can however not come back alive anymore so that she receives the love letters from Gerry. The way how she gets the love letters looks more like a fake love letters or a play game that are made by her own friends just to cheer her up till she finally can live a life. Maybe if she didn’t get the love letters she shouldn’t even bother that life goes on.

And to my confusion; Gerry seems to know when he should die so he buys a holiday tickets for Holly and her friends before he dies. According to me, someone who knows he has a wonderful wife and life together with his beloved one would not think of preparing something before the death; I meant, they’re just married, most of the couples would more think of what they can do to get healthier. It seems that it isn’t Gerry who buys the ticket but one of Holly’s friends who uses Gerry’s name to make Holly thinks that it’s really from Gerry. As Holly has caught that the leprechaun aka the secret gardener who continuedly gardens her garden isn’t Gerry, she doesn’t even doubt that all the things she receives are probably from her other friends. Oh poor Holly.

Holly also seems like a woman who doesn’t know what she has to do in her life so that she receives love letter which contains “buy new outfit” in it as any woman can do this by herself without getting told by someone else especially by a ghost named Gerry. Holly doesn’t live lonely on this earth, she has friends who care for her, and she should have felt responsible/needed to buy a new outfit, or even to enjoy the life outside of her home without being guided by letters. Holly is hiding for a month right after Gerry’s death and from this book it makes me think that she doesn’t even take a shower (or rarely) because her friend tells her that she doesn’t look fresh so that she has to go to hairdresser and she doesn’t seem to even clean her house, her friend named Sharon cleans it for her. What the hell does she do hiding inside of her house for a month?!? Only crying and sleeping?!? Imagine this immature thirty something lady.

Discussion Questions
Who is narrating PS, I Love You? Where is the story located? What affect, if any, does location make to the story? Why?
There’s no location make to the story, maybe the author doesn’t want to get reader who has a relate story? I have no idea! — no answer anyway lol –

At what point does the book hook you? What makes you keep reading? What is your favorite part?
Well, I was confused how the love letters should end and how she would be in the end of the story. I have no favourite part. Oh yes, I do! The moment when Holly describes her sister and how her sister describes Holly.

Keeping in mind that Ahern was 21 when she wrote PS, I Love You, discuss her strengths as a storyteller. How effective is she at describing Holly’s experiences? If you have lost a loved one, or know someone who has, discuss how much you relate to Holly’s mourning process.
Cecelia Ahern isn’t effective enough at describing Holly’s experiences. If I have lost a loved one I surely don’t know what to do but I shouldn’t believe that the love letters I receive are from my loved one.

Look at the first two paragraphs of Chapter One. What is going on? What information does Cecelia Ahern provide at this early stage to set up the story that follows?
–- Holly held the blue cotton sweater to her face and the familiar smell immediately struck her, an overwhelming grief knotting her stomach and pulling at her heart. Pins and needles ran up the back of her neck and a lump in her throat threatened to choke her. Panic took over. Apart from the low hum of the fridge and the occasional moaning of the pipes, the house was quiet. She was alone. Bile rose in her throat and she ran to the bathroom, where she collapsed to her knees before the toilet –-
What do you think Cecelia Ahern provides?

Thinking about the book’s early dialogue, like Holly’s wedding preparation in Chapter Two, explore Ahern’s word choices. How does she convey about the story? Read aloud the long paragraph on page 8. What does Ahern reveal about the characters?
“I can’t do it all the time, you know, Hol. Someday I might not be here and then what will you do?” — said Gerry. He already said something like that when he’s still alive and both were making joke before sleep.

Briefly describe Holly’s family and friends. Which characters do you like most? Why?
Her sister. Because she didn’t seem sad when she came back to her country after living in Australia for years. She didn’t seem sad to remember that her relationship with her significant other has ended and to remember that he doesn’t call her yet while she already stays for a month there. She had never cried before and Holly found her crying in her bedroom, it was the first time that she saw her sister crying as the story described Holly has never seen her crying before.

How does the idea of “a list” come about? What is so compelling about a list left by a loved one who has died? How does the list help Holly? Talk about which item was the most difficult for her, and why. If you know anyone who has been left such a list, share how it affected them.
I don’t know what the hell Gerry’s thinking about to include “singing” part on the list. If I have a loved one he should know what I like and can do and what I really don’t like and can’t do. If I get “singing” on the list I have to do from my loved one I should feel forced and it doesn’t cheer me up, nevertheless. And I also wonder how Gerry knows what Holly needs to prepare before it’s the time Holly has to do the things on the list.

Consider the last two paragraphs of Chapter Four, beginning with “Her stomach did a little dance . . .” Discuss your response. What is the author sharing with the reader? How successful is she? Why?
The list, which she thinks it can guide her in her life without Gerry. The author wrote,”if it wasn’t from Gerry, then Holly finally had to accept the fact that he was gone completely from her life and she had to start thinking about existing without him.” It seems that it’s the next step for Holly to get one step ahead. The package showed her that he’s not completely gone from her.

Even though Gerry is dead, how does he come alive in the book? At what point in the book do we learn the most about Gerry? Describe him both physically and mentally.
Gerry’s like a sweet guy who’s Holly’s everything, a shoulder to cry on, a closest person she’s ever known, her childhood friend as lover, someone who knows her better than someone else. About how he comes alive in the book? As I said the story is too fake everything can happen because it’s fake. I meant, the love letters that come from someone who already died, it’s too fake to believe.

Questions are taken from here

On the other side if I was Holly I shouldn’t know what else to rebuild my life if the love letters haven’t arrived. All what I’d do is to fight against the sadness by trying to have some activities to do by myself. Holly’s friends have partner, one of them is expecting a baby and, her closest friend Sharon is preparing for marriage (I guess it’s Sharon but I forgot because I finished reading this book months ago) so I could imagine how lonely Holly feels without Gerry. I meant, feeling lonely in the heart even though there are friends who are ready to help her; it’s understandable for Holly if she ever feels jealous with her friends because they’ve partners. Expecting baby is one of Holly’s dreams. If she gets baby from Gerry she probably won’t really feel sad as the baby will then become her sweet memories with Gerry in a body of another person who is their son. This book however made me more believe that childhood sweethearts exist. It’s very hard to lose someone whom you love in your whole life especially if you know him/her since your childhood. This story is also good for those who also lost their lovers due to the death, it helps them to rebuild their hopes in life ;)

Cross post on:

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Nothing to do

Nothing to do on this weekend, all I do is just lolling on my chair doing nothing, reviewing the book and currently writing about the real life story movie named Jacqueline Du Pre. Well it will be a very long entry on my other blog but it just has to. The story is good and once you've read it you'll watch the movie also. lol.

Tomorrow is I think the time for the decision at my work. I still feel uncalm due to this, I don't know whether I still work there or not, I don't know whether my colleague is angry or not, I want to explain something to people around but my mind and mouth seem to stop me from that.

Blank Layout

I know this layout is blank, I want to add some graphics but don't know what kind of. Anyway I almost forgot my blog here. But somehow my host is almost every sunday evening my time down, I don't know what the webmaster is doing but okay, it isn't good host already.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

That Mtv program

I was watching Mtv. It was about 3 guys who really want to have a relationship with a nice, sexy lady. In short, the name is Room Raider. Good if you have ever watched it because then you'll get what I'm going to say. One by one has been kidnapped by a group of people in a big white car and in the end, a girl came to control their houses.

First house: cigarettes everywhere, in the backyard and inside of his house. The girl then came in, looked at his living room, kitchen, till his bedroom. No formal clothes to wear if he's having a date with girl. In the other side, the girl saw guitar and she liked it.

Second house: the guy is very tidy, his bedroom is so neat, but she found a playboy's magazine and 8 condoms inside his drawer. One of the things she liked was that he had a formal clothes to go out.

Third house: the guy lives outside the city (in the forest if I might say), is crazy about bulldogs so he had a statues or pictures of bulldogs everywhere. She found him so artistic and sportive (he has a billyard table, balls, etc).

In the end, the guys might control her house. During it she came into her bedroom and decided to choose one of them. She didn't like smoker, so guy number 1 had to leave, she also found condoms in the bedroom of guy number 2 and it reminded her to a player, so he had to leave. She chose the last guy.

My question is: Is it so easy and simple for the girls to choose whom to go out with and whom to have relationship with just by looking at what a guy has inside of his house?!?!?

I don't think I will go out with a guy and have relationship with him just by looking at what he has inside of his house. I think those blondes are only playing with their hearts, they look someone from what he has and what he does, not from his heart.

Sorry if I make you upset by telling like this, but it's just my opinion. This tv program is so rare and unbelieveable ridiculous. You don't look for relationship or date by looking at someone else's house. Ridiculous really.

It's a difficult decision

I don't know what to do right now. I know I am stupid who can't decide and take the reality. This is the first time in my whole life that I know I am hurted, I know I feel like living inside of the jaw or in the jail, but still ... I can't take the right decision for my own good. How many times I tried, but I realised if I do that I am going to lie to myself because I still can't let him go.